One Week and Counting...

So the final verdict is in. I am going to Israel. You know, now that I have made my FINAL, no turning back decision, not listening to any more negative opinions or people that say I'm so stupid for still wanting to go back, I must admit that everything seems to make a little more sense. I mean don't get me wrong, I really do respect other people's opinions (disapproval from many including my mom...don't worry mom, I love you with all of my heart but this is something that I want to do with the rest of my heart), but I am now to the point where if i turn on the news and it starts to scare me, I turn it off. When I tell someone that I am going to Israel in a week and they tell me I'm an idiot and that I am going to get killed, I don't even waste my time trying to explain my decision to them anymore. It's just too hard. There were too many factors that finally led me to making up my mind that they just wouldn't fully understand where im coming from.

Ever since I got back from Israel about 2 1/2 weeks ago, my brain has been doing jumping jacks trying to figure out what the hell is the right choice to make in this situation. I was in Israel staffing one of those free 10 day Birthright trips with Oranim (the same organization that I am returning to Israel with for this program) for the first 2 days of this whole conflict. When we first heard about what had happened with the tank and the soldiers being killed and kidnapped, it all just seemed like another pointless, upsetting attack on Israel by those stupid radical terrorists. You could tell that there was a sense of mourning in the air. It just amazes me how much Israel loves its people. They love their people more than ANYTHING! One time Israel gave back something like 200 terrorists in a trade for I think 3 dead Israeli bodies! That's insane! But they did it. And that tells you a little about how Israel is such a unique, amazing place. I could go on and on about this kind of stuff, but I want to get back to the point: my decision to return.

So after leaving Israel literally the DAY that Israel starting its retaliation, my head hurt with pain and confusion. I could not believe that after 6 months of planning to do this program and getting excited for it, that everything had started to come crashing down on me. I know it sounds a little pigheaded to whine and say "Oh, wahhh I'm mad cuz i cant do my program anymore!" given that all of Israel is getting totally thrown in a loop from this crap. But to be honest, I was just really mad that all this planning, getting the entire program covered by 5 different scholarships (which wasn't easy let me tell ya), working with Erez (who from now on you should all know is the Director of this program, ISC) to make sure everything would work out as planned, whether it was talking to other interested participants, promoting the program, asking tons of questions that I knew many others would be asking, thinking of ideas as to where to volunteer, just so much time, effort, and energy on my part had been put into my heartfelt devotion and commitment to this program, it just was insane what had started and had so quickly thrown me against the ropes to take punches like a losing champ.

Sometimes it is better to follow your gut and let it think for your brain. Now I know anatomically speaking, guts aren't supposed to do much thinking for us (unless we're damn hungry or sick), but for some reason when I had gone back and forth (and I really mean back and forth, like I would be sure Im going one second, turn on the news, talk to my mom, or a friend, or come up with some other possible idea to spend the next 5 months, and then the next second I would be like HELL NO there is no WAY I could go right now, that would just be SOOO STUPID! which my mom will always say is the right way to think haha) for long enough I finally just made up my mind. There was no way that I could turn my back on the Israel Service Corps and Israel right now. More than anything, they need me to come. They need to know that we still support them in this, their utmost time of need.

When I told Erez on the phone during one of our conversations that I just didn't know if I should be coming to Israel, that I didn't know if now was the best time to be coming, he said to me "Ben, here in Israel, we have no place else to go. We are here, this is our life, and we must and have always learned that this is part of life and that things must go on." Alright, so I kind of created that quote (which is probably illegl but whatever you get the point). And after he told me that it kind of hit me. Now it wasn't just that that put me over the edge of my decision to come back. It was that and so many other things that had been flowing through my consciousness over the past few weeks that got me thinking.

I LOVE ISRAEL. I have been to Israel 4 times (3 times staffing those 10 day trips, once as a participant 2 summers ago). Every time I'm in Israel, I'm happy, I have no worries, not a care in the world. I mean, yeah Im staffing these trips of like 40 some 18-26 year old Jewish kids all trying to party, hook up, have the time of their lives, while trying to instill a little Jewish pride in em and see a couple places (if they can keep their eyes open since we get maybe 3 hours of sleep a night, and when I say sleep its pretty much just passing out drunk for a few hours...). Sorry about the tangents, I'm just trying to get some people out of the loop into the loop whenever I think it's a time when that makes sense to add some tidbit of information. So where was I...oh yeah. I LOVE ISRAEL. I do realize that I have never actually lived in Israel and that I have only just been on wild and crazy vacations to Israel, but when I look around, when I see the other people, the Israelis, and the way that they live their lives, the smiles on their faces, the warm looks I get from people, the peaceful places, the serenity, the spirituality, I cant help but fall in love.

I just realized that I could type in this forever, giving tons of background information on my life up to this point which has led me to where I am today, and the deicision to return to Israel to volunteer for 5 months, but I think you all get the point. I just graduated college and have to be totally honest, having a 3.95 GPA, 2 majors, with honors means close to nothing to me. I mean yeah Im really proud of all my hard work, how sweeet ill look at job interviews on paper, and everything that I've accomplished (and it feels really good to make my parents proud of me too), but I really dont feel like Ive done anything meaningful in my life for a while. I had to volunteer for 20 hours every semester for the scholarship I was on (and keep a 3.5 GPA which wasnt hard cuz im a friggin genious :), but I have to admit I never really liked any of the volunteer work I had to do. There were SO many times when I would sign up to volunteer at some place and then party too late and hard the night before and say no WAY im waking up at 6 am to do ANYTHING, let alone anything like that. there were other times when I would show up, say this sucks, go home and back to sleep, only to show up later and see the person in charge, tell him/her i really enjoying volunteering there, and have them sign the form that "I forgot at home". Yeah, I know thats pretty bad, but hey, what was I supposed to do? Actually do my hours? Yeah right...but for real its just that I really didnt think that any of the work I was doing had any meaning to me since I would do 4 hours here, 3 hours there, and never was committed to one organization for more than one or 2 times...

Which brings me to my conclusion. Yeah, I could have done this program in January. But RIGHT NOW is when I WANT to go and when i strongly feel is MY TIME to go. I need something amazing in my life. something to get me out of this rut that im stuck in. something to make me proud of what im doing, make me feel good that im using what God gave me to make a difference in a place that means so much to me deep in my soul. THIS is the main reason why I will be in Israel in a week. I need something like this to focus my efforts on and change the way im living my life. I want to see the smiles on the childrens faces, i want to laugh and learn with all of the people of Ramla. I want to commit myself to a program and make a mark. over the years i have done many things to be proud of, but this will be something that I can say years from now, I MADE A DIFFERENCE. I made a change. I was a pioneer for something great and look where it has taken me. I honestly do not know what to expect from ISC, but I will be going with an open mind and a total devotion to my work and to gaining a better understanding of myself.

The news can try to scare me all it wants, my family and friends can tell me this is the wrong time to go, but i have to say, where I will be is safe now. I would be arrogant to say that i do not understand that there is a little risk involved in this. i dont think its anywhere near what others are thinking, in fact i am not afraid one bit. i wont do any stupid things to put myself in any kind of danger. i wont be unaware of my surroundings and what is going on around me. i will always remember and be thinking about how beautiful life is and how many people are worried, thinking, and praying for me every day. but i do know that what im doing is one of the biggest mitzvahs (for those non-Jews reading this, a mitzvah is a "good deed") i could ever do at this point in my life. i have worked way to hard to let anything get in the way of my dreams and make my dreams just that...dreams. my dreams will be reality. i will go to israel, live with my people, show them that i am there for them, make a change, leave my mark.

there are about 10 others with me that are going to be living in a house in the city of Ramla all going through the same things. i feel that i have put just as much (if not more) into ISC as they have. it is AMAZING to me that even though there is some safety concerns about going to israel right now, EVERY one of the people that originally signed up to go on this program is going. i mean a few are showing up a few weeks late, but that it all is still amazing to me! i know that i am going to be there with a special group of people, all as completely committed to israel as I am and to the success of this program. we are all going to be there for eachother and grow, learn, live, and make a difference together. THIS is going to be the decision that changes my life. THIS is going to be the moment that defines who i am and what i do for the rest of my years. THIS is my dream. Nothing can get in the way of my dream except myself. And now that I've stepped out of my way, it's only positive thinking for this point forward. Only excitement, eagerness, and passion will flow through my vains for the next week of anticipation.

The moment my feet touch the ground in Israel, I will know will all my being that THIS, was the right decision. May all of Israel, the brave IDF soliders, ALL innocent civilians, the Middle East, the Israel Service Corps and all those involved (including me :), and the entire world be blessed with peace and happiness. My heart prays for them always.